Ah, chemistry in dating—it’s that magical feeling we all crave. That electric spark you get when your eyes lock or the rush of excitement when you receive their text. It’s the reason we’re willing to go on second dates even if the first one was just “okay,” and it’s why we sometimes overlook red flags because, hey, the chemistry is just too good.
But is chemistry enough to build a successful relationship, or is it just one piece of the puzzle? Should you choose or reject potential partners based on how strong that initial attraction is? Let’s dive deeper into the science behind chemistry in dating and explore how it influences our choices.
What Exactly Is Attraction In Dating?
As a dating coach, I would describe chemistry as a potent cocktail of attraction, emotional connection, and even a bit of shared excitement. When you feel chemistry with someone, your brain releases a rush of dopamine, oxytocin, and adrenaline—the same neurotransmitters responsible for making you feel pleasure, bonding, and thrill.
Dopamine makes you feel happy and motivated to seek out more interactions. Oxytocin, often dubbed the “love hormone,” promotes bonding and a sense of trust. Adrenaline gives you that fluttery, heart-racing feeling when you’re around someone you’re attracted to. This trio of chemicals creates that euphoric feeling we often label as “chemistry.”
However, the human brain is a complex organ that doesn’t just work with chemicals. Social psychology plays a big role too. Take the Mere Exposure Effect, for example. This is a psychological phenomenon where people tend to develop a preference for things (or people) they are repeatedly exposed to. The more time you spend with someone, the more familiar and comfortable they become, which can increase attraction and even develop chemistry over time.
In other words, that initial lack of chemistry might just be your brain needing a bit more exposure to warm up.
The Science of Attraction: More Than Just Looks
Physical attraction is usually the first thing we think about when we talk about chemistry, but it’s not the whole story. In my dating coaching practice, I read some studies showing that smell (yes, smell) is a major factor in how we choose romantic partners. Research from the University of Bern found that women are more attracted to the scent of men whose immune system genes are different from their own. This compatibility might indicate healthier offspring, making the attraction more than skin-deep—it’s biology at play!
Even your voice can affect attraction. A study from the University of Albany found that women are more attracted to men with deeper voices. They associate them with higher testosterone levels and increased reproductive capability.
While these factors may contribute to the initial spark, they don’t tell us anything about how the relationship will unfold over time. This is why the role of chemistry is often overemphasized in dating.
Should You Rely on Chemistry to Choose or Reject Partners?
Chemistry in dating is essential, but it’s not everything. If you’re deciding whether to continue seeing someone based solely on how strong your chemistry is, you’re missing out on some vital information. Here’s why from a love coach:
Chemistry Can Be Fleeting and Misleading
Chemistry often fades over time. As thrilling as the initial attraction might feel, studies show that the chemical high your brain gets from dopamine and adrenaline can wear off as you get more accustomed to someone. When this happens, the excitement diminishes, and what you’re left with is the true foundation of your relationship: shared values, compatibility, and emotional connection.
Think of it like this: fireworks are stunning and exhilarating, but they don’t last long. You need something more steady and reliable—like a campfire—to keep the relationship warm.
It Can Cloud Your Judgment
Ever heard someone say, “He’s bad for me, but I just can’t resist him”? As a dating coach, I surely have. That’s chemistry overriding your logical thinking. When you have strong chemistry with someone, your brain’s reward system lights up, making it easy to ignore red flags or convince yourself that the relationship has potential, even when it doesn’t.
On the flip side, the absence of instant chemistry can cause people to reject perfectly good partners who could develop into something meaningful. The Mere Exposure Effect suggests that chemistry can grow with time and familiarity. So, here is my dating expert advice: don’t rule someone out just because you didn’t feel fireworks on the first date.
It Doesn’t Predict Long-Term Success
Initial chemistry doesn’t guarantee a good long-term match. Research from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that while chemistry can predict initial attraction, it doesn’t correlate strongly with relationship satisfaction or longevity. What matters more is how well your values, life goals, and emotional needs align.
Real-Life Examples: When Attraction in Dating Isn’t Enough (or When It’s Not There—Yet!)
Let’s bring in some real-world examples to see how chemistry in dating can play out in different scenarios:
1. The High-Chemistry but Low-Compatibility Relationship Take Emily and Jack, who I met through relationship coaching. They met at a friend’s party and hit it off instantly. They had that electric, almost movie-like chemistry—flirty banter, lots of laughter, and strong physical attraction. But as the months went by, Emily started noticing some red flags: Jack was non-committal, didn’t share her core values, and avoided deeper conversations. The chemistry kept her hooked for a while, but eventually, she realized the relationship lacked a solid foundation.
2. The Slow-Burn Relationship That Turned Into Fireworks Now, let’s talk about Brian and Mia. Brian went on a date with Mia and felt… nothing. She wasn’t his type, and the conversation was good but not thrilling. However, something told him to give it a second shot. Over the next few dates, he began noticing how intelligent and thoughtful she was, and slowly, his attraction grew. Four months in, Brian was head over heels. That initial lack of chemistry had blossomed into a strong connection, thanks to the Mere Exposure Effect and getting to know Mia on a deeper level.
The Bottom Line: Finding the Right Balance
As a dating consultant, I can say that chemistry and attraction should be one factor in your decision-making process, but not the only one. It’s like the icing on a cake—sweet and delightful, but you can’t live on icing alone. You need a solid base of shared values, respect, and compatibility to make the relationship last.
So, the next time you’re debating whether to pursue or pass on someone based on chemistry, ask yourself:
Are there other qualities that align with your relationship goals?
Is there potential for chemistry to grow with more exposure?
Are you ignoring red flags because the chemistry feels too good?
Embrace chemistry, but don’t let it make the decisions for you. After all, love isn’t just about finding the person you have the strongest chemistry with. And that’s something you can’t always judge by a first-date spark.
***********************
As a dating coach and relationship coach, I specialize in guiding singles frustrated with dating apps' superficiality toward finding meaningful love and real connections. I offer 1:1 dating coaching for men, dating coaching for women, matchmaking, and empowering dating profile pictures for successful online dating. Book a free 30-minute discovery call and learn how your dating life can be changed.
Comments