Ah, the age-old question: Can I change my partner? Whether you’ve been in the dating game for a while or you’re just getting started, chances are you’ve asked yourself this at least once. You’ve met someone amazing, and everything seems perfect—except for that one thing. Maybe they’re a little too disorganized, a bit emotionally distant, or perhaps their sense of time is... let’s just say flexible. Whatever it is, you find yourself thinking, “If only they could just change this one part of their personality, things would be perfect.”
But here’s the hard truth, straight from the toolbox of a dating coach: Trying to change a person is a slippery slope. Let’s break down why.
It Is Possible to Change A Person, But Only If They Want To
As a dating expert, I can tell you that while growth and change are natural parts of any relationship, they’re most effective when they come from within. You can inspire, encourage, and support your partner’s journey of self-improvement, but you can’t force them to change. Real transformation comes from internal motivation, not external pressure.
One of my clients—let's call her Lisa—was dating a guy who had a habit of canceling plans at the last minute. She thought that with enough patience, he’d eventually prioritize their time together. Spoiler alert: he didn’t. The more she pushed, the more he resisted. In our coaching sessions, we worked on setting boundaries and communicating her needs clearly. Once she stopped trying to change him and started focusing on her own core values, she gained clarity about whether this relationship was truly right for her.
You Can Influence, But You Can’t Mold
I often hear clients say, “I’ll just guide him or her to be the person I need.” This is where we need to be careful. It’s tempting to want to mold someone into your perfect partner, but relationships are not about finding a project—they’re about finding a partner.
When you try to change a person, you risk building resentment, either in them or in yourself. It’s the same way that trying to "fix" someone can backfire in dating. Instead of seeing each other as equals, the dynamic becomes imbalanced, which can harm intimacy in the long run. As a dating consultant, I've seen relationships crumble because one person tries to improve the other instead of accepting them as they are.
That doesn’t mean you should settle for bad behavior or dismiss your needs. It’s about understanding the difference between healthy compromise and unhealthy control.
Focus on Communication and Growth
Let’s say your partner has certain habits that bug you. Maybe they don’t clean up after themselves or aren’t great at expressing emotions. Instead of trying to change them directly, have a conversation about how their behavior affects you. Use “I” statements like “I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy” or “I need more emotional support when I’m going through a tough time.”
In dating coaching, I always emphasize that communication is key to fostering growth in a relationship. You can’t change a person, but you can express your needs and create space for them to grow if they’re willing. It’s about setting boundaries and allowing each other the freedom to evolve.
When to Walk Away
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your partner just isn’t willing or able to make the changes you need for the relationship to thrive. As tough as it may be, that’s when you have to decide: Is this something I can live with, or is it a dealbreaker?
I had another client, Joe, who was dating someone who constantly flaked on him. Despite numerous conversations, nothing changed. After months of frustration, Joe realized that his partner wasn’t interested in changing and that the relationship wasn’t meeting his emotional needs. Through our dating coaching sessions, he learned to recognize his worth and eventually moved on to a more fulfilling relationship.
The reality is, you can’t control another person’s actions or behaviors, but you can control your own decisions. If your needs aren’t being met and the other person isn’t willing to grow, it might be time to move on.
Growth in a Relationship Is a Two-Way Street
At the end of the day, healthy relationships are about two people growing together, not one person dragging the other toward self-improvement. Both partners should be willing to evolve, but that evolution has to come from a place of mutual respect and love, not because one person is demanding it.
In my experience as a matchmaker, the strongest relationships are built on mutual understanding, shared goals, and a willingness to adapt. If both partners are open to growing together, anything is possible.
So, Can You Change a Person in a Relationship?
Technically, no. But what you can do is inspire growth, set healthy boundaries, and communicate your needs. Remember, a relationship is not about fixing or changing someone, but about accepting them for who they are—and deciding if who they are aligns with who you want to be with.
As a relationship coach, my advice is this: love your partner for who they are today, not for the potential you see in them tomorrow. The right person will meet you halfway, not because you changed them, but because they want to grow with you.
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As a dating coach and matchmaker, I specialize in guiding singles frustrated with dating apps' superficiality toward finding meaningful love and real connections. I offer 1:1 dating coaching for men, dating coaching for women, matchmaking, and empowering dating profile pictures for successful online dating. Book a free 30-minute discovery call and learn how your dating life can be changed.
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